I have always been a “seeker.” I tortured my parents with incessant questions about the world, spirituality, and injustice, why people act so unkindly at times and why I felt so deeply about it all. As a teenager I remember weeping on the floor of my bedroom telling my father that I wished I didn’t feel so deeply. I told him I wanted to be like all the “happy cheerleaders I saw bouncing around campus without a care in the world”. He offered one of his knowing smiles and said, “Eryn, you are not wired that way; you never have been and you never will be. You feel everything deeply; the good and the bad, so enjoy it when it’s good and listen and learn when it’s tough”. This was not the answer I wanted to hear at 14yrs old, so I responded as any dramatic teenage girl would do, I wept even harder, stomped my feet and shouted, “It’s not fair!”
Through continued observation of others, who seemed far less affected by things and happier than me), and after hearing it enough times from people I interacted with, I began to identify myself as “too sensitive, too naive, too idealistic” in essence, too “Me”. I was sure something was wrong with me and eventually developed a very distorted view of myself, which also carried with it a heavy dose of shame. I made every effort to disconnect from this part of myself trying to not feel so deeply. I worked very hard to shut down my intuitive spirit in an effort to avoid suffering. As a kid my theme song became “I am a rock” by Simon and Garfunkel. I would sing it loud and proud! In later years Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb” was added to my internal playlist. I was determined to develop a thick skin, take on a protective layer of skepticism and not expect much out of people. I believed this was surely a safer way to exist in the world.
I now understand how this approach took me off my life path, and stunted my spiritual and psychological growth. Sadly, this catapulted me into many years of developing and living with a false identity. In my 30’s, I felt lost most the time, disconnected from anything powerful or meaningful, exhausted and confused, and still seeking answers with none to be found. The distorted belief that something was wrong with me strengthened and over time so did my shame. Through out this quest the “seeker” in me continued a relentless search for answers. I read, meditate, and still ask a lot of questions! By an act of God it recently become clear that my experience in the world was the result of my defensive decision made as a young girl, as well as my continued commitment as a young woman to disconnect from the truth of who I am. I remained stuck rather than safe by denying the existence and value of my sensitive, intuitive, passionate, deep-loving authentic-self. I now realize that my life was stagnant because I chose to disconnect from truth rather than a result of anything or anyone outside of myself. With this new realization came a commitment to fall back in love with myself, respect my gifts and try to make a positive impact on the world. My goal is both empowering and overwhelming; however, there is no going back!
I know that many of you can relate to my experience, and I invite you to begin boldly rejecting old agreements and obstacles that are keeping your life stagnant. You will be amazed and relieved as a new clear, powerful current of information, feelings, and experiences carry you into a more fulfilling and powerful destination!